Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Pirates Cove

February 2010

So I walk in to the Pirates Cove and order a whiskey…

That’s right my little twinkies, I am secure enough with my heterosexuality that I can walk in to a gay bar and get me a drink.

The only thing I have against gays is that because of them, I can no longer use the word ‘gay’ in derogatory fashion! As a kid, I never knew it had anything to do with sexuality and I feel slighted that this (and related words) have to be removed from my vocabulary.

Anyway… The Pirates Cove takes the whole pirate theme to the extreme: They have a bar that’s shaped like a boat, a few pirate pictures on the wall, and that’s about it. The outside of the bar is adorned with the lovely fine art of Coors and Bud Light. Arghhh, matey!

So I stepped up to the bar boat and grabbed me a Crown Royal, as it was the closest thing to a good whiskey that the Pirates Cove had. That’s right, I said it! I like Scotch, Bourbon, Irish whiskies and I even like Kentucky Sour Mash.

Canadian whisky? Not so much. I think there’s a thing or two the Canadians need to learn “aboot” distilling whiskey.

I will admit that Crown is pretty tasty though. Too bad it was poured into a child-sized rocks glass. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? I took a sip and added two drops of water because if I added more, the ratio of water to whiskey would be leaning on the side of aqua pura.

The patrons that night at Pirates Cove were sooooo gay—and I mean that in the merry sense! A lot of them were out on the dance floor dancing their asses off and having a grand old time. Much drinking and merriment can be found at the Pirates Cove.

However, I noticed that after these merry people consumed many a shot of liquor, things changed. The mood wasn’t so gay in the gay bar anymore. People started arguing and a fight soon after ensued. People, let me tell you that you have not lived until you have seen a gay fight.

Imagine this: Two girls, each holding a fistful of the other’s hair, screaming at each other, “I’m going to fucking kill you!” I’m not sure how you can kill someone by pulling out their hair, but they sure seemed intent on it.

After about two minutes of hair pulling the girls were kissing and making up, telling each other that they were sorry and saying “I love you so fucking much.”

I saw some guys have a great argument as well. Wagging fingers in each other’s faces and screaming in high-pitched voices “No you didn’t!” and, “You’re such a bitch!” Again the argument was resolved with hugs and kisses. I wonder if fighting is some kind of gay mating ritual.

The most entertaining character would have to be the owner of the Pirates Cove. I had an interesting conversation with her outside of the bar.

She said, “I just want to tell you that I think you’re quite attractive. Well, for a guy that is. I’m a lesbian but I can still notice these things. You’re very handsome. You just need to get a fucking haircut!”

She kept jabbing me in the chest with her finger as if to drive the point home. She then continued, “You see? I just paid you a nice compliment. I guess I’m not the mean old drunk bitch everybody says I am.”


If it’s a gay bar you’re after, the Pirates Cove is your spot. Well, it’s currently your only choice.

P.S. I’ll vote for same sex marriage if I can have the word ‘gay’ back!


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