Friday, June 15, 2012


20 Questions with Derek Townley

Derek Townley - High school teacher, golf instructor, true balla. I'm proud to say he's a good friend, as well. Derek is also a P.U.L.P. columnist, writing "20 Questions" every month. This month we are turning the tables on Derek and putting him under the microscope. I find out what makes him tick, and the thoughts he keeps inside that little walnut of his.

Adam Gazzola: You're an English teacher at Pueblo West High School... Tell me about your funniest or strangest experience in the classroom.

Derek Townley: One time there was this big-ass centipede in the room. Everybody in the room started freaking out and yelling: "Oh my God! Look at this big-ass centipede!" I was like, "Oh come on, it's not a big deal." I moved this backpack and there was this centipede that was gigantic. It was like friggin' eight inches long and I was like, "Oh my God! Look at this big-ass centipede!" So everybody started freaking out even more. It just kept crawling around and nobody wanted to get close enough to kill it. That went on for a few minutes. Finally some kid stomped the shit out of it.

AG: How many times a day do you pleasure yourself?

DT: I pleasure myself by drinking coffee. So...probably 3 cups a day.

AG: What's your favorite golf course in Southern Colorado and what was you're best score there?

DT: It's probably Grandote in La Veta. It's a Weiskopf/Morrish design from way back. I think my best score was a 79.

AG: What's the difference between pink and fuchsia?

DT: Pink is awesome and I would never wear fuchsia.

AG: Tell me what it takes to be a "True Balla." Is it powder blue cashmere pants?

DT: That certainly would help! But it's really a state of mind. You either have it or you don't. Cashmere pants would help but if you don't have the mentality you'll never be "True Balla."

AG: Why doesn't Carl's Jr. sell pizza?

DT: I don't know... That's a good question. If they did it would probably be good as hell! I love Carl's Jr. They'd probably have some sweet bacon and guacamole pizza.

AG: With your severely challenged vocabulary, do you find it difficult to write your column every month?

DT: Yeah, that's why I invested in a thesaurus a long time ago. All my one- and two-syllable words weren't cutting it.

AG: If laughter is the best medicine, is it really possible to die laughing?

DT: Ha ha ha ha! You know, too much of a good thing, I guess...You could be trying to laugh while underwater, wrestling sharks. Then a shark might tickle you and you would gasp for breath. Then you might die. So yeah, I guess you could die laughing.

AG: What was your worst golf shot ever?

DT: [coughs] Oh, man...There's a bunch of those. On number four at the short nine at City Park, I hit a driver that sliced into the road and hit some dude's windshield-totally smashed his windshield in. That sucked pretty bad. Ended up costing like $180 to fix.

AG: If you were a dog, would you prefer sniffing other dog's butts or licking your own balls?

DT: Definitely licking your own balls. That's all I'd do all day. My family would be like: "Hey where's the dog?" "I don't know-I only see him at dinner time or when he wants out."

AG: So what's your next step with

DT: Start selling stuff. Some Steampunk typewriters and some blue cashmere pants.

AG: Donkey Kong or Super Mario?

DT: Super Mario. The music is way better.

AG: If people were to "Google" you, what would they see at the top of the list?

DT: It used to be my tennis record at CCNY. I don't think it's up on the web anymore. But that was the sweetest one. Because it was the one match I actually won.

AG: If you were a pterodactyl, what would be the first thing you did when you woke up in the morning?

DT: I'd probably fly around and eat some people. Then go perch on the 4th Street Bridge.

AG: You were raised in Pueblo then lived a few years in New York City and then returned to Pueblo. What was it like coming back to Pueblo and is there anything you miss about city living?

DT: It was nice coming back to Pueblo because my family is all out here. The pace is a lot slower. Things are a lot cheaper in general. But the thing I miss more than anything is the restaurants. This town's restaurants don't have much concept of service.

AG: Do you consider yourself a wise man or a wise guy? Explain the difference as you see it.

DT: Definitely a wise guy. I'm too frivolous to be a wise man. Wisdom is pretty much when you have a massive grey beard. That's just automatic wisdom right there.

AG: Name something in your medicine cabinet that you may be embarrassed by.

DT: Nose hair trimmer.

AG: What do you think will happen first: the return of Jesus or proof of the existence of Bigfoot?

DT: I think Big Foot. I was just watching something on the Discovery Channel where I think they found the Russian Bigfoot. But I quit watching before it ended.

AG: What's the one thing you hope to do before the end of days?

DT: Oh there's a bunch of stuff I'd want to do before the end of days. I want to play St. Andrews. I want to get a double eagle. I want to finally have a winning night at craps. Maybe be True Balla in Vegas, gamble away a couple of mil[lion] and not even worry about it.

AG: It's a known fact that you enjoy dancing and are quite good at it. What do you call a male ballerina?

DT: I don't know. A broerina? What do they call them? A Primaballerina? I don't know... I think a Primoballerino would be the best one.

Not bad, D... I looked it up and it's actually ballerino!


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