Friday, June 15, 2012


20 Questions with Derek Townley

Derek Townley - High school teacher, golf instructor, true balla. I'm proud to say he's a good friend, as well. Derek is also a P.U.L.P. columnist, writing "20 Questions" every month. This month we are turning the tables on Derek and putting him under the microscope. I find out what makes him tick, and the thoughts he keeps inside that little walnut of his.

Adam Gazzola: You're an English teacher at Pueblo West High School... Tell me about your funniest or strangest experience in the classroom.

Derek Townley: One time there was this big-ass centipede in the room. Everybody in the room started freaking out and yelling: "Oh my God! Look at this big-ass centipede!" I was like, "Oh come on, it's not a big deal." I moved this backpack and there was this centipede that was gigantic. It was like friggin' eight inches long and I was like, "Oh my God! Look at this big-ass centipede!" So everybody started freaking out even more. It just kept crawling around and nobody wanted to get close enough to kill it. That went on for a few minutes. Finally some kid stomped the shit out of it.

AG: How many times a day do you pleasure yourself?

DT: I pleasure myself by drinking coffee. So...probably 3 cups a day.

AG: What's your favorite golf course in Southern Colorado and what was you're best score there?

DT: It's probably Grandote in La Veta. It's a Weiskopf/Morrish design from way back. I think my best score was a 79.

AG: What's the difference between pink and fuchsia?

DT: Pink is awesome and I would never wear fuchsia.

AG: Tell me what it takes to be a "True Balla." Is it powder blue cashmere pants?

DT: That certainly would help! But it's really a state of mind. You either have it or you don't. Cashmere pants would help but if you don't have the mentality you'll never be "True Balla."

AG: Why doesn't Carl's Jr. sell pizza?

DT: I don't know... That's a good question. If they did it would probably be good as hell! I love Carl's Jr. They'd probably have some sweet bacon and guacamole pizza.

AG: With your severely challenged vocabulary, do you find it difficult to write your column every month?

DT: Yeah, that's why I invested in a thesaurus a long time ago. All my one- and two-syllable words weren't cutting it.

AG: If laughter is the best medicine, is it really possible to die laughing?

DT: Ha ha ha ha! You know, too much of a good thing, I guess...You could be trying to laugh while underwater, wrestling sharks. Then a shark might tickle you and you would gasp for breath. Then you might die. So yeah, I guess you could die laughing.

AG: What was your worst golf shot ever?

DT: [coughs] Oh, man...There's a bunch of those. On number four at the short nine at City Park, I hit a driver that sliced into the road and hit some dude's windshield-totally smashed his windshield in. That sucked pretty bad. Ended up costing like $180 to fix.

AG: If you were a dog, would you prefer sniffing other dog's butts or licking your own balls?

DT: Definitely licking your own balls. That's all I'd do all day. My family would be like: "Hey where's the dog?" "I don't know-I only see him at dinner time or when he wants out."

AG: So what's your next step with

DT: Start selling stuff. Some Steampunk typewriters and some blue cashmere pants.

AG: Donkey Kong or Super Mario?

DT: Super Mario. The music is way better.

AG: If people were to "Google" you, what would they see at the top of the list?

DT: It used to be my tennis record at CCNY. I don't think it's up on the web anymore. But that was the sweetest one. Because it was the one match I actually won.

AG: If you were a pterodactyl, what would be the first thing you did when you woke up in the morning?

DT: I'd probably fly around and eat some people. Then go perch on the 4th Street Bridge.

AG: You were raised in Pueblo then lived a few years in New York City and then returned to Pueblo. What was it like coming back to Pueblo and is there anything you miss about city living?

DT: It was nice coming back to Pueblo because my family is all out here. The pace is a lot slower. Things are a lot cheaper in general. But the thing I miss more than anything is the restaurants. This town's restaurants don't have much concept of service.

AG: Do you consider yourself a wise man or a wise guy? Explain the difference as you see it.

DT: Definitely a wise guy. I'm too frivolous to be a wise man. Wisdom is pretty much when you have a massive grey beard. That's just automatic wisdom right there.

AG: Name something in your medicine cabinet that you may be embarrassed by.

DT: Nose hair trimmer.

AG: What do you think will happen first: the return of Jesus or proof of the existence of Bigfoot?

DT: I think Big Foot. I was just watching something on the Discovery Channel where I think they found the Russian Bigfoot. But I quit watching before it ended.

AG: What's the one thing you hope to do before the end of days?

DT: Oh there's a bunch of stuff I'd want to do before the end of days. I want to play St. Andrews. I want to get a double eagle. I want to finally have a winning night at craps. Maybe be True Balla in Vegas, gamble away a couple of mil[lion] and not even worry about it.

AG: It's a known fact that you enjoy dancing and are quite good at it. What do you call a male ballerina?

DT: I don't know. A broerina? What do they call them? A Primaballerina? I don't know... I think a Primoballerino would be the best one.

Not bad, D... I looked it up and it's actually ballerino!


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Dear David Stern and you in the pocket NBA Officials, Thank you for ruining my favorite sport. Once upon a time I actually enjoyed watching basketball games. Now I sit and view in utter disdain. At this point I could only have hoped that the strike would've held and there wouldn't have been an NBA this year. But alas David Stern will see his dream come true of his little adorable LeBron win the ring. Before Miami fans start sending me HATE mail I just want to clarify that I don't give a crap about either of the teams in the finals. More so I am just a fan of the game. At least I was. Until I started watching this year's playoffs. Basketball is no longer about the game but about the the hype and who could be bigger hype than the self proclaimed "King" James? Unfortunately that's all there is now... HYPE! Social media awards? Are you freaking kidding me? What is this about? Who can publicly tweet the most ignorant things with the most misspellings? Give me a break. How about a great game of basketball umpired fairly and without predetermined outcomes? Is that too much too ask? Can anyone deny, after watching multiple replays from multiple angles, that LeBron did not commit 2 obvious game changing fouls on the Thunder at the end of game 2? Until the game becomes a game again this multi-jersey purchaser, former season ticket holder and long time fan is done!!! Tweet this: Yo NBA. U wak foshzl. Kiz Mah az fa shu!


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