Ugh...

Ewww! EWWW! YUCK!!! Okay... So last night I learned all I needed to know about human depravity from a couple of dominatrix girls I was doing a photoshoot with. I shot one of them before and it was kinda cool working with her. She seemed nice enough. But put a couple of those girls in the same room and let them talk shop... Something I will never do again. Not even for money.

Where to place the blame...

The advertisements say, “King Kong is what you go to the movies for…” Really? I would have to say that my King Kong experience brought about the utter demise of my movie attendance career.

It was the perfect night for a movie… The last night of the long holiday run, a quiet rainy night, the city was calm and peaceful. I propose to Catnip that we should perhaps go see Peter Jackson’s three-hour epic mega smash “King Kong” and the wheels were set in motion. We venture out into the streets wet from mild precipitation and joke how the streets are so empty because everyone’s at the movies. Knowing in our hearts that can’t be true, more likely everyone is at home sleeping off the long weekend, preparing for work… We arrive at the theater and there is a huge crowd standing outside and again we hope and believe that the crowd is only seeking a temporary shelter from the rain. This was not the case… The theater was packed! We decide to buy tickets for the showing an hour later, certainly we would not be able to find a seat so close to show time, and go for a beer at our favorite bar up the block. Thus began possibly the worst night of my theater going experience.

So who’s to blame for this?

The theater? After postponing our 3 hour tour (and dinner) by another hour we arrive at our theater, #25 approximately 12 miles up into the stratosphere, assured that we will be able to get great seats as a reward for our patience and promptness. Score! Our reward was the last two seats that remained together in an already packed house. 3rd row, far left were we would be able to view our movie with the same comfort as a tennis game attendee. Sitting between two couples who were discussing every topic possible throughout the film and in front of a family who’s (4yr old?) was unrelentingly shouting with glee “Pa Pa… King Kong, Pa Pa… King Kong!!!!” we were able to REALLY enjoy Peter Jackson’s subtleties and quiet moments of tension. There was not one moment complete silence during this showing. Is it the theaters responsibility to ensure that parents keep their children quite during a film? I personally think so… As well I believe that children that small shouldn’t be taken to see a PG-13 film in the first place. Did I mention the ticket price of $10.50???

Peter Jackson?

C’mon dude… $300 MILLION!!! I can’t even imagine that much money. That’s like a really nice neighborhood outside of Miami. I mean a WHOLE neighborhood! You spend this much money and this is what we get? I could’ve made a better movie for $10.50 on Macromedia Flash! You know it’s one thing to have elves, trolls and orcs performing fantastical, unbelievable and superhuman feats but you are really insulting your viewers intelligence if we are expected to believe this crap. Case and point… (This won’t ruin anything for anyone who still might want to see this movie, as there’s about 2 1/2 more hours of bulldonk after this point) When the Giant Ape meets the beautiful Ann Darrow on the sacrificial altar she is bound so tightly by ropes that she cannot escape. Kong grabs her and rips her off of this altar, shakes her around while screaming like an ape. Here’s the problem – If this movie had any sense of reality it would’ve ended here as Kong would’ve ripped both her hands off at the wrist, snapped her neck and quite literally would’ve scared the crap out of her. Two and a half more hours and ALL downhill from there.

Society?

Perhaps it’s the fact that we still go out and pay for this crap. We can only blame our lowered standards and ourselves for what we have to view. If we were to say that we weren’t going to stand for this crap any more maybe then Hollywood would try to figure out what’s going wrong. Unfortunately I think it’s going to become like the much maligned music industry where people would rather download one crappy song then buy the whole album. I don’t blame the musicians or the actors taking the easy way out. It’s a job, and this mediocrity is where society apparently finds satisfaction. Not for me… I’ll watch foreign films in the comfort of my own home and listen to music pre 2000.

One of these sits about six feet in front of me with full digital surround sound… Why should I ever want to go back to the theater?

8 days!

No ifs ands or butts about the whole thing. I DID have 2 pieces of the nico-gum to avoid certain death and dismemberment of annoying people. No Bug... Not Catnip! She's great, except when we're playing Scabble. Then she cheats! Just kidding! Oh boy I am gonna be in soooo much trouble!

But hey... I DON'T SMOKE CIGARETTES!

New Cat Trainer

I warned them...

Tried playing fair, giving them an opportunity to read the rules and start acting like good little kitties!

Did they show any signs of behavioural improvement?

Have they takin on any responsibilities?

Have they made any effort to appear interested in anything other than their own well being?

Sadly the answer to all of these questions is NO!

It is time for drastic measures, and this guy needs a job anyway... Meet the new cat trainer -

Can't we ALL just get along?

White? Black? Yellow? Red? Do we need to mix in a few Blues and Greens before we can start realizing that we're all PEOPLE!?!? Granted people SUCK! We destroy the Earth, our only place to live, our only place to get the nutrients we need to survive... Basically the only frikkin place we've got! Can we please have an Alien Invasion, War of the Worlds, Armeggedon type event to wake us the fuck up??? Not that I wanna be buddies with Osama types but maybe everyones losing focus on what real. Are we such a petty race that "Money (really) changes everything"? Sometimes I want to build that Ark, turn my head towards the Heavens and scream... LET IT RAIN!!!

BTW... Were still waiting on those donations over here!

Thank you George...

I'm sure America's a safer country thanks to you and your vigilance. You've always had such a keen understanding of our needs. Thank you for showing the world that we are a country who is simpathetic to our fellow Earth inhabitants. That we believe in a partnership that will benifit ALL of mankind.

Catnip is getting Crabby!

Because I sometime forget to CAPITOLIZE Catnip! Here, I'll practice... Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, Catnip, CATNIP!!!

Donations are now being accepted!

The way I see it is I'll need about 10-20 million dollars (at least) for myself, catnip, sykosmurf, hillbug and the rest of my family. Trust me... We need it more than you do! So be kind, and just let us know when where and how much we can expect.

Thank you!

Cash or certified check only please...

Stepping in puke part 2

Apparently the cats HAVE NOT read the new cat rules as I had wipe puke from my poor toesies this morning. What's worse is they are now camoflaging their tiny puke mines in the carpet thus not giving any warning to the barefoot wanderer or chance for avoidance.

Oil

Why is all the oil in the world stored in crazy town?

i.e.; The Middle East, South America and Texas...

So basically... Madmen control the worlds supply of natural resourses. Isn't it time we seriously started looking for alternatives?

It's never fun to step in puke!

Cat puke or otherwise... So new rule cats, clean it up or don't chuck it up!

Oh and ANOTHER new cat rule - CAT'S DON'T MAKE RULES!

I know...

Ever since I stopped smoking I'm like the Stephen King of blogging, photography and poetry. So to make it a little easier if you just wanna hear my daily rants check here.

If you like poetry check here - Subtle Blind Noises

Photos and art-

Renderosity
Model Mayhem

Sorry for the old school links...

More new rules...

You have to read and comment on my blog or I will throw a hissy fit and threaten to discontinue my rantings and ravings that you all anxiously await everyday. I know how that will disappoint you all...

I will have to communicate through email exclusively over the next few days. Lest I blurt out something like - "Blizzlemikkifriggelzed!!!" or "Whattheshigglefrunkingerbagoop!?"

The Knicks are not allowed to lose anymore games this season. They have no idea how personally I take each loss and how it really hurts in my extremely sensative non-smoking state of mind. I'm fragile...

Cigarette companies have to name their products accordingly - "False Confidence Milds", "Bad Breath Mentholated", "Emphasema Slims" or "Cancer Full Flavored". The warnings should state - "We're trying to trick you by admitting that these are bad for you so in your own simple way you will weakly revolt against authority and continue to poison yourselves and those around you while we will take money from you until the day you die... You stupid asshole!"

Osama gets jiggy wid it!

In the tape, bin Laden said he was directing his message to the American people after polls showed that "an overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq but (Bush) opposed that desire."

He said insurgents were winning the conflict in Iraq and warned that security measures in the West and the United States could not prevent attacks there.

"The proof of that is the explosions you have seen in the capitals of European nations," he said "The delay in similar operations happening in America has not been because of failure to break through your security measures. The operations are under preparation and you will see them in your homes the minute they are through (with preparations), with God's permission."

"We do not mind offering you a long-term truce with fair conditions that we adhere to," he said. "We are a nation that God has forbidden to lie and cheat. So both sides can enjoy security and stability under this truce so we can build Iraq and Afghanistan, which have been destroyed in this war."

Huh? What if God doesn't give permission? Won't matter... No one is as honest as they say they are. Bush never needs permission. Now Pakistan is pissed at us for last week. Iran say's "no way" are they giving up their nuclear program. What's the latest with the Funky Fresh Kim Jong-il? How's he getting down lately? I think Bin Laden is chillin on a Polyneasian island somewhere... Maybe we could look into that.

You know... Not to sound like a doomsayer but everybody hates us and seems to want to exact some kind of revenge. China, Russia... The entire Mid-East. Not only that but everyone hates eachother! France is treatening to nuke Iran if they don't chill. Russians want to help Iran... Smells Like Team Spirit! It seems like this time - WW III - will be divided into perhaps four different factions. The Far East, The Mid East, The Confused and the Sadly MisLead...

Where will it be safe? Who knows. If you're waiting for answers from a God, their all busy with big plans for the upcoming year... Want a hint? Build yourself an ark.

With the strength of Superman...

The patience of Job, The cunning of Batman, The heightened sensory awareness of Spiderman, The animal rage of Wolverine and Sabertooth and the pure insanity of the Scarecrow and Norman Bates I proudly present the new and improved non-smoking Altered Egoist!

I like it!

Day 3 and there are still no bodies...

A Chocolate New Orleans?

The Mayor of New Orleans said - " When we rebuild New Orleans, we're going to build a Chocolate New Orleans!" Yeah that'll work well in the summer heat. Or the next time the levees break... Oh wait! SNAP! When he said "If you know what I mean" he meant Dark Chocolate and Whole Milk! Huh? I don't get it... Let's ask Hillary Clinton. Actually let's not. The only thing she can clarify is that the "House has been run like a plantation... If you know what I mean" Whoa is that the joke of the day? Because I don't know what either of these jerkoffs are talking about.

Someone's going crazy outside of my apartment... I gotta look and see if it's Dick Cheney.

Day two -

And nobody's dead yet...

Spreading the blame...

While I'm at it... Can I blame cigarettes for bad breath, lack of energy, shortness of breath, smelly apartment, increased health risks and money (literally) going up in smoke..? YES!!! I believe I'm going to stop this sillyness tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I just have to remind myself that I'm not "giving" anything up... I'm just choosing not to slowly poison myself and the rest of my immediate world.

Bet I'll be posting more!

If guns kill...

Can I blame my glass for spilling? Can I blame the pan for burning the food? Can I blame my computer keyboard for words that are spelt inkorectly or for grammar bad?

The Daily...

You know some of us don't have jobs and really don't have the time to do more than nothing all day! It's hard enough to get out of bed let alone try to write something funny everyday. Did you know the "Daily Show with Jon Stewart" only runs Monday to Thursday? Somebody needs to give HIM some shit about that! Well off I go to do something REALLY important... Have dessert and watch the Cobert Report. At least Stephen doesn't feel that "Daily" pressure! And why am I so scarey?

HillBug The HERO!

Here's to you bug! The Java Genius! The HTML Goddess of mercy and understanding... My HERO! You rock! You ROLL! You're in control... WURD! BASICALLY

What's The Difference?

What’s the difference
If we love or we hate
Why not just sit home
And masturbate
What’s the difference
If we stay or we go
Will we ever learn anything
We already didn’t know
What’s the difference
Between happiness and pain
If you’ve ever known either
You know they’re one the same
What’s the difference
Between wealthy and broke
Always find a drink
Always got some smoke
What’s the difference
Between wrong and right
Is it just peace of mind
Is it sleeping at night
What’s the difference
If we just disappeared
Would the flowers miss us
Or would they rejoice and cheer
What’s the difference
If we destroy everything
Would the rocks even notice
Would the stars feel a thing

New Rule...

Phone Companies - One phone book a year!!! It seems as if you publish a new phone book everytime someone moves here in New York. I can't tell you how many times I have come home to see a fresh stack of phone books laid out for everyone in my apartment building. Actually there's enough for every tenant to take two copies of both the White Pages AND the Yellow Pages, just in case they lose one and can't wait a week for the next delivery. Over the course of the last year I have recieved half of the Redwood Forest in telephone directories. STOP IT NOW YOU IDIOTS!!!

p.s. If I need a number I tend to look it up in Google anyway!

We Can Expect Winter Sometime In April!

Has anyone else seemed to notice how there are no signs of global warming? It's simply not an issue. So go hug a tree and it may come to your house to visit you oneday... As a phone book! I'm hoping our land lord could turn the heat up a little so we could keep ALL the windows open. A little AC might be nice as well. Are we using too much energy? Let me do a little research overnight on-line with six computers while tivo tapes my favorite shows. After my cellphone charges I'll call ya in the morning, while I bask in my halogen glow and let you know what I find out. Why does everything in our refrigerator freeze? I KNEW there was no such thing as global warming!

New Movie Rules...

1 - (Scary Movies) SCARY MUSIC! No more playing of scary music BEFORE the bad thing happens. Is there any film maker who knows how to create suspense any more? Jeez...

2 - THE MacGuyver SYNDROM - There will be no more average people suddenly turning into MacGuyver, Bruce Lee or Sherlock Holmes so the film can have a nice Hollywood ending. No more - "Oh... Well yea, like she already knew Voodoo".

MANY more rules to come...

New Sports Rules...

1 - No God!!! Don't wanna here about him, don't wanna watch you guys bless yourselves after you score a point and NO MORE after the game team prayers! Or... If you find you cannot help yourselves and have to thank "The Almighty One" for helping you do your JOB and win a game then you must also blame God if you lose. I'd love to see that post game report - "Well... I would have made that game winning shot but God really screwed me tonight."

2 - GO ON A DIET!!! There is no way that ANYONE making 20 gazillion dollars a minute as a professional athlete should be out of shape. Especially if your claiming to be one of the greatest of all time and play 3rd base for the New York Yankees. Ever heard of a situp? The only thing you're supposed to do is be great at sports. Youre a role model! Look and act like one.

3 - (Basketball) Free Throw High Fives... After missing a FREE throw high fiving will no longer be tollerated. Rather the player who misses should be chastised by his team for missing! Each player should walk up and say - "Dick!" "Punk!" and "If we lose this game it's because of you!"

More rules to come...

Pathetic Little Men...

There were no Giants present at the Meadowlands for todays playoff game. A sad ending to a great season.

It begins...

I now have yet another place to subject you all to my rantings and general bizarro-ness! Thanks for coming by...